he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
