Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
