either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
