I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
