PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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