You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
