Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
