I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Randomize
