Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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