Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
