he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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