Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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