So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I just want nice things and good sex
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
