i just had sex bonerless
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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