i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
