Whats the glycemic index on semen?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
