I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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