Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
