Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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