Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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