the condom got lost in my hair
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
