So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
