Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
