Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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