Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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