Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
