I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
