walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
