I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
