was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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