dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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