Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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