I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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