This is not my ceiling
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
