I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
