i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
