12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
