I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
