It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
