If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
