i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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