I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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