I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
