HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
