Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
