We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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