So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
