before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
