No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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