you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
