Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
