So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
